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Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Get Magnetized to Dogs

What Does it Mean to Be “Magnetized?”

I use the term, “magnetized,” to refer to how babies end up where they CANNOT stay away from dogs.  I’m sure you’ve seen it — the kids who make a beeline for dogs in the park or who are always messing with their own dog or wanting to pet other people’s dogs.

I discussed some of this in a previous post about babies that “love” dogs. The main issue is the lack of self-control inherent in a magnetized young child.  If a toddler or preschooler could turn it on and off, maybe, but reliable on/off switches are not what toddlerhood is all about.

Is it Really That Big of a Deal?

Yes.  I think this is a huge deal.  Not everyone agrees with me so you’ll have to think it through yourself and decide how much risk you are willing to have your child assume.  A majority of bites happen in response to a child approaching a dog.  Young children have zero judgment.  If you encourage your baby/toddler to go up to some dogs, he or she will likely want to go up to all dogs – whether or not you’re there to supervise.

It’s tempting to think, “Well, I’m a good parent and I’ll be able to teach the difference to my child.  Besides, I’m going to raise my child to be gentle and respectful with animals so she’s not likely to get bitten.” Maybe you’re right.  Lots of times nothing bad happens.  But lots of people drive drunk, too, and never kill anyone.  Doesn’t make it a good choice.

And that’s what this is – a choice.  As a parent, you get to choose for your baby the habits and behaviors you are going to instill long before your baby can make her own choices.  That’s a responsibility I don’t take lightly.

In my experience, encouraging a baby to notice, reach for and touch your dog (or any dog) opens the door to all the other variations a child will come up with through the toddler/preschool years.  Kids aren’t really known for doing the right things at this stage of development.  If you establish the dog within the circle of your baby’s interactions, the dog will be included in the whole range of physical expressions, not just the “nice” ones, but also the tantrums, experimentation, showing off for friends, etc.

Consider this:

“I have a normally very sweet, laid back 13 month old son named Joseph (changed name) who just discovered that smacking is fun two days ago.  Ah, the joys of toddlerhood!  He will pick up a toy (such as a truck) and smack our dogs on the head with it or just pound on them with his hands.  He will try to smack at his dad or me too, but not as often.  I am extremely lucky to have very tolerant dogs so far!  This is what I have learned:  telling Joseph “no!” just stops him for a second, and then he continues to try to hit the dogs.  I have also tried blocking him when I see he is headed towards a dog and distracting him with a book or a toy.  The distraction seems to work, but then he will crawl towards the dogs to smack them later.”

This is a classic scenario of a magnetized child.  It all seemed “fine” when the baby feeling like being gentle.  It’s hard to factor in the unintended consequence for later…when the baby is NOT feeling like being gentle.  Joseph is not a “bad baby” — this is entirely normal.  However, if he were not already “magnetized” to the dogs, he’s more likely to restrict his smacking to Mom and Dad and leave the dogs out of it.

Besides, even if your child doesn’t get as much into the smacking stage and your dog is endlessly tolerant, you still cannot escape The Curse of a Good Dog and the fact that encouraging this magnetized behavior puts your child at a greater risk of a bite when the good dog has a bad day or your child is too forward with someone else’s dog who DOES object. 

“Magnetizing” Starts in Infancy

I completely understand how it starts.  You’re holding your baby, playing goo-goo games and the dog walks by.  Wham!  Your baby drops you like a hot potato to look at the dog:

The baby is usually excited and may even be saying, “Duh, duh, duh, duh!” which makes you think  you have not only a budding Dr. Doolittle but a GENIUS BABY — she’s trying to say, “Dog,” already!  (Of course, that’s all she can say but we’ll put that piece of reality aside for now.)  I’m joking, but I do understand how hard it is to resist an excited, happy baby.  It will feel very natural to encourage this interest:

The next step would be to carry the baby close to the dog and encourage some gentle touching and getting to know the dog.

DON’T DO IT!

This is how babies get magnetized.  You think you’re building a relationship and teaching your baby how to be gentle with the dog, but, really, you’re making the early brain connection in your infant that, “Dogs are for touching.”

Really think about that.

Consider other things infants are entranced by.  Exhibit A – The Ceiling Fan:

Babies often show the same excited behavior with the ceiling fan as they do with the dog.  (Even the “duh, duh, duh” part!)  However, no matter how much you want to foster your baby’s interest and curiosity, does it ever occur to you to bring your baby closer and try to tell her, “Careful, honey, now keep your hands down…”

Why not? Are you thinking, “Well, duh, I’d never do that because the fan could hurt my baby and I know my baby won’t understand what I’m saying or be able to follow my instructions.  That would be crazy!!  I’d definitely get a ‘Bad Parent Award’ for that.”

Tell me why it’s different with a dog. I ask people that all the time because I’d like to be wrong.  I don’t like being the wet blanket at every event where very young kids and dogs are mixing, and I do have lots of other dog training interests I’d like to pursue.  I stick with my Dogs and Babies work because of all the families I meet after an incident who say, “If only I knew this, I would have done things differently…”

I think parents and dog trainers alike have a natural blind spot when it comes to dogs and young children.  We all want the storybook tale of best friends forever.  This makes us assume that dogs understand good intentions (“He was only trying to love the dog!”) and that toddlers will always be compliant.  Once you’re an experienced parent, you know that toddlers and “compliant” do not go together.  It’s hard to imagine that when you’re a new parent and you have a baby that seems so sweet and easy.  That’s why I focus so much on not starting a “relationship” with a baby towards a dog — because it’s a can of worms that’s a lot harder to put back once you open it than it is to just leave on the shelf a little longer.

Don’t be in a rush!  Let your baby just coexist peacefully with your dog.  So much of the “magnetizing” happens not just because babies are interested in dogs, but because parents feed that interest disproportionately more than they do other interests a baby clearly isn’t ready to pursue.

For example, why is THIS OK…

But not THIS

Yes, children need to learn how to be careful with knives and dogs alike, but does it really make sense to introduce the idea before they are developmentally prepared to be successful?  People expect to keep knives out of the reach of children but, at the same point, they do not expect to still cut their child’s meat when he’s twenty-one years old.  It should go the same way with dogs.

Enter y

In the previous post, we talked about some of the reasons why you would not want to “magnetize” your baby to dogs – primarily because your baby or young child is not going to be developmentally able to be successful interacting with your dog until closer to maybe age five.  There is always time and opportunity to allow your child to do MORE later so don’t be in a rush to prompt your child to touch dogs.

Classic “magnetizing.” Notice how the dad has eyes only for the baby. Even though surprised (“I thought they were just going to look!”), Emily looks out for her dog and makes it OK with a treat while blocking baby fingers.

Just like all the other things you baby-proof and control access to until your child is ready, it makes sense to do the same with the dog.  However, because it’s not appropriate or desirable to keep your dog under lock and key and even the best “supervision” is always going to have gaps, it is essential that parents give their babies another layer of protection by mindfully not “magnetizing” them to dogs.  After all, what are you going to do when your child is 18 months old and makes a beeline for the dog whenever you turn your back and now you have another baby with a giant poop explosion in the other room?

Yikes!  So, let’s talk now about how to prevent the magnetization right from the start so you never have to find out!

(As  you’ll see, this post turned into more of photo essay than an article.  That’s what’s great about a blog – it can be what it wants to be!)

The First “Meeting”

I’ll have a lot more to say about bringing baby home, but, for now, I’d like to remind you that the dog and baby are not actually “meeting” or making any plans for the future.  Your dog doesn’t have to get up close and personal with your newborn child.

If you can’t resist and just need to have your dog sniff your baby, the baby should be tucked in close to you, with no dangling limbs and facing away from the dog.  Sniff, sniff, sniff…All Done… go do something else with the baby.  Neither the dog nor the baby should linger and get fascinated with each other.

Your newborn can’t even hold her head up or focus very far in front of herself.  Do not start off by calling attention to your dog and then hoping you can turn that off at will.  Let your baby be your baby and your dog be your dog.  They are not available to each other for exploration.

When Baby Notices Dog

By eight weeks of age, most infants can focus their eyes to better notice things around them.  By three months, babies are usually tracking motion with their eyes and beginning to reach for things.  What you do in these first three months sets the stage for what your baby will want to explore when she starts reaching and grasping.  The intent is that your dog is not one of these objects.

Oh, no! Cover the baby’s eyes! (Just kidding…)
But, yes, DO engage your baby with YOU, instead!

When your baby notices your dog, acknowledge her interest without making a big deal about it or bringing the baby over to touch the dog.  The dog is simply not available for touching.

“Yes, that’s our dog, Fluffy.  Fluffy is a good dog and watches over the family.” Sing a little song, engage your baby with you as you move on to do other things.  There are a lot of other interesting new things when you’re just born.  Don’t let your dog upstage you — be more interesting than the dog!!

That’s it.  Simply resisting the urge to magnetize your baby by not prompting contact is enough at this stage.

What if Baby Reaches for Dog?

If baby reaches her hand to touch the dog, gently slide your hand under hers so your dog feels your familiar, comfortable touch.  This will keep your baby’s hand from being able to grasp and pull fur.  Reassure your dog, “Good dog, thank you,” and shift your baby’s position so she can no longer reach the dog.

Remember – this is for accidental touches, not something to set up on purpose.

Begin to build an interior monologue for your baby.  I call these “internal prompts.”  Tell your baby what’s going on in ways that inform her what to do:

“Dogs like a little more space.  Let’s move over here so she feels safe.  Look, our dog is staying with us!  You helped her feel safe.  You are a good friend to dogs!” Don’t worry, you’ll come up with your own wording that sounds natural to you.  The point is that you use this pre-crawling time to teach your baby the behaviors you most want to see in her repertoire.  If she spends this time rehearsing reaching for and touching your dog, that’s what you’re going to get more of when she’s on the go in a few short months.

Remember, your infant can’t get anywhere on her own just yet.  This is your best time for a good foundation!  (Maybe this is why babies don’t crawl for so many months — so you can help dog and baby acclimate!)

Really, don’t you want to be able to hold your baby and still enjoy your dog relaxing next to you?  This will never happen if you let your baby experiment with reaching for the dog as an infant.  Well, maybe “never” is too strong, but it’s less likely your dog will feel relaxed and comfortable when he’s busy wondering if the baby is going to pull his fur again today.

The Remote Control

Just like if you’re sitting on the couch watching a big game, you don’t want the baby messing with the remote.  At the same time, it’s not like you want to get UP and flip channels manually, either.   So, generally, parents figure out not to call too much attention to the remote control and keep it out of reach of the baby.  No one worries that their baby is going to grow up technologically-challenged.

If you can do it for the remote control, you can do it for your dog.  (And if you didn’t do it for the remote, don’t you wish you did?)

If you magnetize your baby to the remote control…
You might miss that big play when the baby grabs the remote at the wrong time!
Ahh, that’s better!
This is my goal – that you can enjoy both your dog AND baby! (My poor beautiful dog never did like having his picture taken, though.)

What Does Your Dog Think About All This?

First of all, no one really knows what dogs think.  Half the time, we probably don’t want to know!  However, we CAN get a hint based on their body language.

Remember this picture? Betty is leaning away from this contact with her right ear pulled back and away. She is not engaged with anyone in the picture. Interpretation: She doesn’t like what we’re doing.
But a non-touching baby (doll) is regarded with apparently calm curiosity (not that you’d ever prop your real baby up near your dog like this – purely an illustration!).

The less your baby reaches out to touch your dog, the more comfortable your dog will feel around your baby.  The more comfortable your dog feels, the safer it is for your baby.  If you want your baby to be safe around your dog, your dog has to feel safe around your baby.  This is just common sense, isn’t it?

Parallels to “Parallel Play”

A normal and preferred play style for toddlers and preschoolers often involves what’s known as parallel play: “a form of play where children play adjacent to each other, but do not try to influence one another’s behavior.”  This comes up all the time in parenting Q&A columns where a new parents worry about toddlers who don’t seem to engage with each other.  It’s explained as a completely normal developmental stage and parents are discouraged from trying to force kids to play “with” each other before they are ready.

Two toddler friends play near each other, but keep their personal space
This is a favorite photo of mine because my baby is not messing with our dog and she is relaxed enough to lay near him while he plays. They are companionable without being “magnetized.” (Note: Do I trust the judgment and maturity of a one-year-old or a dog enough to leave them alone like this? No way! After the picture, I’m right back engaged with them.)

It makes sense to a baby/young child to be by the dog without reaching for it.  We are not depriving our babies of any essential life experience by refusing to magnetize them to dogs.  It’s just the opposite — we are giving them the opportunity to be just the way they’re supposed to be.  Your baby will be perfectly fine being friends with your dog without touching.  And, your dog will be more likely to reciprocate that friendship.

(The following is from Part 3 old post and leads with iconic pic of Betty and Andrew)

Yes, Toddlers and Dogs CAN live in peace! Notice the dog’s relaxed body language and the fact that the toddler is NOT touching the dog. Coincidence? I don’t think so! 

Let’s Recap – Why Is It Important NOT to Magnetize Babies and Toddlers to Dogs?

Just to make sure we’re all on the same page (see previous posts on Magnetizing here and here)…

My concerns with “magnetizing” babies and young children to dogs are:

  1. The Curse of a Good Dog — even if your dog is perfectly tolerant of anything your children may do, what happens when the good dog has a bad day?  What happens when your children do the same things to someone else’s dog who may not be as tolerant?
  2. Young children are not learning respect for others if they are encouraged to do what they want just because they want to do it, even if they mean well.
  3. Young children are not developmentally prepared to be successful and safe interacting with dogs. Neither you nor your dogs are likely to agree with what a two-year-old thinks is a good idea.

Previous posts about infants stressed the importance of not prompting your baby to become magnetized to the dog.  Early magnetizing is almost always due to parental prompting and encouragement, in my opinion.  Yes, babies will naturally be interested in the dog but you don’t have to feed that interest to the point where your child becomes fixated on the dog.  That’s where it crosses the line and makes it harder to manage dog and baby once the baby starts crawling and toddling.  Because, where do you think that magnetized baby is going to make a beeline for?

Baby Gates Are Your Friends!  (And Your Dog’s Friends, Too!)

When you are not able to be actively engaged with your toddler, gates prevent her from finding her own entertainment with your dog (or any other item she cannot yet handle appropriately).

Barbara Shumannfang’s terrific book, “Happy Kids, Happy Dogs” includes a nice section on how to establish and use a Safety Zone for when it’s more appropriate for your dog to be separated in a quiet, enjoyable area.  Barbara has graciously shared a summary on her website here.

Kids, too, will often need to be corralled at times throughout the crawling and toddling years.  A safe play area for the kids can allow your dog to move freely through the house and for you to casually be on one side or another without fuss.  Experienced parents come up with all kinds of creative gating options!  We went through a variety of different gating arrangements to suit our children’s different stages.  Here are some examples:

A dining area temporarily becomes a playroom, allowing me to keep an eye on the kids while cooking. They are not tempted to mess with the dog and the dog does not mess with their things. (Superyard XT gates, mounted to the wall)
Daniel is safely in the shade while Cowboy gets some exercise chasing the ball.
Walk-through gates in the kitchen allow me to keep the dogs with me when another adult is playing with the kids while I’m making dinner. After all, what dog wouldn’t want to be in the kitchen? And, really, the kitchen is no place for a baby so you’ll probably gate it off anyway.

Now That My Baby is On the Move, How Do I Make Sure She Doesn’t Magnetize Herself to Dogs?

First thing, of course, is that you are pretty much always going to be right there with your crawler and new walker anyway.  Even if you didn’t have a dog, you’re not going to let crawler/toddlers roam throughout the house unattended.

Since you’re right there anyway, use this opportunity to continue to instill “internal prompts” — what do you want your child to think about and rehearse in each encounter with a dog?

For example, when your child crawls in the general direction of your dog, stop and point out the dog.  “Look, our dog is resting.  When our dog is lying down, we move around.  Let’s move around the dog.”  Show your child by example what you mean by “around.”  Aim for at least a three foot buffer to allow room if the child were to fall or the dog stretch out a leg or roll over.

Tell your child, “You did it!  You walked around our dog.  She feels safe when you walk around.  You are a good friend to dogs!”

Direct and coach your crawler/toddler well BEFORE he is inside your dog’s personal space. Waiting until he’s up close and personal makes magnetization stronger and makes dogs wary. This is TOO close for comfort.
It’s not much different than how you’d manage a crawler/toddler around a fireplace. You don’t wait until he’s this close, do you?

If there’s not enough space to get by with a good buffer, teach your children what to do instead.  Tell them, “Look, there’s not enough space to make Buster feel safe.  Let’s go the other way,” or “When there’s not enough space, I will always help you.  Say, ‘Mommy, I need more space to get by Buster,’ and I will call him over to me.”

When you are sitting on the couch and your dog hops up, remark to your child, “Look, Buster feels safe and wants to be with us!  Let’s sit quietly and keep our hands down and see if we can get him to stay.  You are the kind of kid dogs feel safe with!”

When you establish not touching as normal, everything is easier throughout the toddler/preschool years.

“Training,” by definition, should always be focused on influencing future choices.  The effectiveness of your training can easily be tested by noticing the choices the child makes for herself — and it can be maintained by reinforcing those good choices.  If you wait for children to do what you DON’T want and then tell them to stop, this is neither responsible parenting nor effective training.

It’s a matter of proactive parenting to build your child’s powers of observation and good judgment.  Show her the right things to do ahead of time.  If it’s all just, “No, no, Honey, leave the dog alone,” after the child already chooses to mess with the dog, your child will not come away with as strong of a foundation of what TO DO next time – especially if you are not right there.

And, let’s face it, you are not always going to be right there.  We are all are quick to blame “lack of supervision” when there is an incident but, while true that dogs and toddlers should not be left to their own devices, real life brings gaps to even the most vigilant parents.  In my opinion, the irresponsibility lies not in the moment of distraction but in the neglect to equip our children with skills and habits that will serve them well.  (And, of course, “irresponsibility” is too strong of a word when parents don’t know this.  But YOU know it now and you can teach your friends until we ALL know what to do.)

What if You Have a Toddler Who is ALREADY Too Magnetized to the Dog?

This is the typical situation when I do a bite/incident consultation.  No amount of behavior modification work with the dog is going to be enough if the children continue to pester the dog.  Modifying the child’s behavior is always an essential part of success — and it’s not as difficult as it initially appears.

The concept is that the dog is no longer available to the child for interaction.

It seems really hard when you have a kid who is strongly magnetized to your own dog or to other people’s dogs, but, trust me, kids can definitely learn new habits.  Especially when we are talking about toddlers, the thing is that they are always onto something new as they go through different stages of development.  What seems impossible today can turn around within a month.

In my experience, it takes about two weeks of a dog being present but unavailable in order to begin to break the magnetization.  It’s not that dissimilar to kids watching TV.  When you cut them off the TV it’s hard at first because they don’t know what else to do, but, soon enough, they take out a game or other activity and are just as happy.

Here are some basic concepts:

  1. Decide the dog is no longer available.  Pretend he has something contagious or imagine your dog with a painful ear condition or a broken leg if that helps focus your attention.  The point is to commit to a change in perspective from this day forward.
  2. Meet your dog’s needs so he can be a good partner.  Set yourself up for success by making sure your dog is calm and relaxed.  Stock up on Kong or other “food carrier” toys and make sure you have at least three of them stuffed and ready to go each day so you know you can keep your dog occupied as you work with your child.  Schedule regular walks and outings, even if you have to get someone to help with this.  Remember — a two week intensive effort is much more effective than a little here and there when you get to it.
  3. Stock up on novel things for your child to do.  Fresh crayons, paper, new activities, etc.  There are lots of books in the library with fun things to do with children of all ages or research online, like this site.  The idea is to have replacement activities to grow your child’s interest in doing other things.  Stock up on supplies and ideas so you don’t spend the whole two weeks nagging your child to get away from the dog.  That’s not the idea at all!
  4. Cultivate an internal radar system so you always know where your child is and where your dog is.  Whenever they are likely to be within six feet of each other, calmly put yourself in the middle and intercept your child with little or no fanfare.  Do not reprimand your baby or make it your baby’s responsibility to “know better.”  Be calm and matter-of-fact to avoid drawing attention to this being a “hot button” issue.  The dog is just not available, but you are still calm, friendly and kind.
  5. If the child is persistent about getting to the dog, let the dog relax in peace in his Safety Zone or do something else with your child behind a gate.  Or, go for a walk or out for errands – something that changes the picture for a fresh start next time.  Never get into a struggle with your child about the dog.
  6. Instill internal prompts and reinforce efforts at the new behaviors.  Remark to your child specifically about what they did, “You slowed down when you saw our dog in the way.  You are a good friend to dogs!” or “You are staying in your spot as our dogs lays close to us.  You are a kid dogs feel safe with!”
  7. In my experience, changing the behavior of a toddler seems hard because new parents are, by definition, new at this!  There is a lot of conflicting parenting advice out there, too.  The best parenting book I’ve come across is called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey, PhD.  She includes lots of real life scenarios, with calm phrasing for how you might turn conflict into cooperation.  You can easily extrapolate to your own situations with your dog and toddler.  (It will also help you with managing other people’s children!)

NOTE:  If you are concerned about your dog’s behavior to your children or think that your dog is likely to bite, in-person help is from a qualified trainer or behavior consultant is more appropriate than a list of quick tips.  Same thing if your child’s behavior is not easily redirected (except, of course, that you would be consulting CHILD behavior experts, not DOG behavior experts!).

What About Kids Magnetized to Other People’s Dogs?

When my older son was a toddler, he became obsessed with basketballs, especially other people’s basketballs.  We’d go to the park and he’d say, “Ball!  Ball! Ball!” and take off running to the basketball court.  Sure enough, many guys would let him play with the ball for a few minutes, and, before I knew it, he was magnetized.

I literally had to carry him out of parks a few times, crying and screaming because he couldn’t have someone else’s basketball.  We had to work on being in the presence of basketball-playing guys without pestering them.  Is this really that different than kids who are magnetized to dogs?  Why do we encourage dog magnetization and feel helpless in the face of, “She just loves dogs!” when we are perfectly capable of setting boundaries in other areas of our children’s lives?

After all, we don’t do that with knives do we?  How many parents go to restaurants with their babies and say, “Oooh, look at the shiny knives,  Honey!” or take them around and ask if they could touch the other patron’s knives, “She just loves knives!”  Of course not!  The first thing parents do is move the knives out of reach without comment and engage their babies in something else to do.

You CAN refuse to “magnetize” your baby to dogs, just like all the other things you expect your baby to coexist with without feeling the urge to reach out and grab.  This is especially important with other people’s dogs.  Meeting other people’s dogs is a whole series in itself but I am telling you now that people may say, “Yes, you may pet my dog” while they holding their breath, hoping the dog doesn’t bite.  Other people are not good at telling your child, “No.”

From Part Four

Here’s what I want for you and your babies and your dogs – a life lived in harmony.  I want you to enjoy your dog’s companionship and delight at moments of kindness and accommodation shown by your dog and child as they build a foundation for a future friendship of their own.

My series on magnetization cautions new parents to think long and hard before encouraging babies and toddlers to “need” to touch dogs in order to enjoy their company.  I hope you’re coming away with some things to think about as you choose the habits you will instill in your developing baby.

I want to leave you with a little photo essay of my kids and dog feeling companionable together without being magnetized.  This isn’t to say that we are perfect or it’s always easy!  There is always a level of stress that comes with being attentive, but I think it’s a fair price to pay for my choice to enjoy children and dogs in my life.

However, giving up on magnetizing does not mean giving up your hopes of friendship between your dog and child.  Far from it!  In fact, the less magnetized your baby is, the more likely your dog will feel safe enough to want to be with your child as he or she grows.  This post is by request to illustrate that “unmagnetized” children can, indeed, enjoy their dogs.  And, even better, the feeling is more likely to be mutual.

Daniel is almost 3 years old. Betty would often find a place to relax near him – because he asked nothing of her but her companionship. I have dozens of pictures just like this.
Andrew is one and a half. Betty went up to the top of our hill to lie next to him. She was willing to stay with him because he does not grab for her.
Our dog is usually an arms-length kind of dog who does not seek out a lot of physical contact. Given that Andrew is the “karate chop boy” in the video on the About page, it baffles me that she chose him to rest her head on. She feels safe with him.
Another day, Andrew was too tired to make it to his bed. He gets to experience sleeping “with” his dog because she is unconcerned. He does not use her as a pillow or treat her as a stuffed animal.
Daniel is 9 years old. Betty is comfortable walking with him.
Andrew wrote this at 5 years old. He rarely touches our dog, but he sure loves her!
Ages 9 and 6 on our regular afternoon walk, just a couple of months ago.

What’s it All Mean?

I’m not saying my path is the only way things will ever work out well with your dog and baby.  And, I’m sure lots of people have happy pictures of their dogs and kids.  The only thing I’m intending to demonstrate with these pictures is that refusing to magnetize your children does not preclude them growing up loving dogs or feeling loved by dogs.  It’s not a one or the other choice.

In closing, here is a sweet story from about a year ago.  My friend had three children under the age of four and one of her dogs was approaching the end of his life.  The family paid attention to not allowing the children to become magnetized and provided for the dog’s need for space right from the start.  In return, they were gifted with this beautiful memory of their dog and three-year-old daughter, shortly before their dog passed away:

“It was such a sweet quiet moment in time and such a nice memory for me.  Fabiola was coloring on the floor of the family room — I was cleaning up in the kitchen and the two younger kids were napping.  And yes, Winston went out of his way to curl up on the floor right next to Fabiola.  (Normally, he would’ve chosen a spot closer to me or somewhere soft.)  And as nice as it was to see him choose to be near her, she really responded in kind – by not touching him or reaching out.  She just looked up at me to say, ‘Look, Winston wants to be with me!,’ smiled wide and went back to her coloring.”

So please don’t feel sad or worried that you are depriving your child by not letting him or her be magnetized at a very young age.  There will be plenty of time to build true friendship as your child gets a little older.  I promise.

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77 Comments

  1. What a good article! NOW I wish I could implant that info into the minds of all the parents who come to the shelter looking for a dog. Thank you so much for the service you are providing. Great stuff!

    Cathy B

    1. Hello Cathy – I have worked with a couple of shelters to teach staff members ways of doing exactly that — influencing the mindset of the parents and families so you can all work together in identifying and preparing properly for the right pet. I think there’s a huge potential to improve the adopter pool through education so shelter workers don’t have to cross their fingers and hope for the best when a family come in to adopt. Because, really, a family coming to a shelter to adopt is a HUGE opportunity all around. Once I finish my book project, I hope to do a lot more of that work.

  2. I agree with you! I have a 4 year old and I have taught her from the very beginning not to run up to dogs. She’s not afraid of them but she won’t go running to them either. She knows she has to be given permission, 1st by her Mother and 2nd by the dog owner, BEFORE she can approach or touch any dog. You just never know how a dog will react to a child, especially when they are not used to children.

    1. Hi Ani – that’s a nice balance the way you put it — not being afraid but not running up to them either. All kids need to start from that point of balance. You’ll see in a future post that I’ll add a third point of permission: Ask the Dog. Another trainer friend summarizes it as: Ask 3 Times: Ask your parent, Ask the owner, Ask the dog. Ask the dog is the missing piece that will prevent bites/scares AND help dogs feel a lot more comfortable with kids. Reinforce your daughter’s great behavior! Tell her, “Dogs feel safe with you because you let them have their space. You stand still and let them decide. That’s being a good friend!”

  3. wow.. very interesting article. I am interested in hearing how you de-magnatize. We have worked very hard on instilling gentle petting with our 2 year old, but as a toddler he of course finds our dogs very interesting. it is contstant work to reinforce good behavior with him and the way he interacts. When we are out he is actually very good at not rushing or going towards other animals without asking, but our own dogs there certainly isn’t as much boundry. I work with my dogs and they meet hundreds of people each month and it does amaze me how so many parents teach kids to hug or kiss or grab dogs they do not know! Great article and I can’t wait to read more.

    1. Thank you, Dawn. I’ll be interested to hear your feedback when I write more about gentle petting and why I don’t recommend it. (I’m not saying it’s EVIL or anything but just some magnetizing thoughts to consider. I know I’m not mainstream with the gentle petting so that’s why it’s good for discussion and why parents have to make their own choices.) I hear a lot about young kids who are more reserved with other people’s dogs but less of a boundary with the family dog. It makes sense how that would evolve, but, really, the family dog deserves to be asked every time, too. A lot of my posts will revolve around similar themes but presented in different chunks. I’ve got some artwork and info to present from the perspective of “Why don’t we ask our own dog before touching him/her?”

  4. Wauw, a confrontational article but so true. I try to do it the right way (I’m a mom with 2 childs; 2 years and 2 months), but there is so much to learn for me and for all of us. Thanks Emily for recommending this article.

    Greetz,

    Esther, Holland

    1. Hello from across the world! Thank you for writing, Esther. You explain beautifully that you “try to do it the right way” and the question for all of us is, “What is the right way?” It can’t be the status quo. What “everyone” knows and repeats as fact can’t be right if so many children are getting bitten.

  5. My daughters are ‘preschool’ age and I taught them from the very beginning to never touch a dog without owner approval, and then to not pet on the head, legs or tail/lower back. They were perfect, and I was so proud – excellent dog manners.

    However, when we got our own dog a few months ago, they became instantly magnatized. They feed off each other, so if one goes to the dog, they all do. So, I’m very interested in hearing more about demagnatizing!

    1. Hi Carrie – thanks for sharing your experience! I’ve got a de-magnetizing post in the pipeline. Some of what you’re experiencing is probably due to the novelty of a new dog in the family, too. Since we’re planning to add a puppy in a few months, I’m sure I’ll have a bit more interest from my kids that what we’ve got going with our old dog. For your kids and a new dog in the family, part of it is identifying and teaching your girls what they CAN do with the dog. That’s also something I’ll be writing more about.

      In the meantime, I highly recommend the book, “Happy Kids, Happy Dogs” by Barbara Shumannfang. She includes a bunch of games and activities for different age groups. Here’s a link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1411672127?ie=UTF8&tag=dogandbableat-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1411672127

  6. Very interesting article – thank you. Question – do you have any suggestions for the owner of the strange dog? While I don’t have small children (mine is 22), I do have a big, fairly friendly dog – and I can’t tell you how nervous it makes me when strange children run up to him, pet him, even try to hug him – all without even looking for permission! He’s good-natured, yes, but not used to children, and I’ve had to stop more than one little one from just throwing her arms around him.

    1. Hi! YES! I do have information to share for dog owners who want to discourage, or at least slow down, small children who rush up. That will be within the next few posts. In the meantime, I think it’s perfectly fine to be very directive with other people’s children. Understand that they are just doing what’s been encouraged in the past so there’s no need to be mean about it. They don’t know any different. And, because people before you have so often said it’s OK, kids are not expecting/listening to hear if you say, “no.” So, expect to use a clear hand signal – like a “stop” from a police officer directing traffic. “Wait” is a good signal for getting kids’ attention. I also use the wording, “My dog needs more space” or sometimes I’ll say, “My dog doesn’t feel well today.” Kids and parents seem to understand this better than trying to explain that the kids shouldn’t be rushing up. For your dog, practice backing away with you as a game where you make a kissy sound and encourage your dog to follow. Give a treat after several steps. Practice this many times outside of that situation so it’s smooth, easy and fun for your dog to be “busy” with you while you tell the kids your dog needs more space. Check back in a few weeks for more to come, with photos and video.

      1. Even with my dogs that LIKE children I will step in front of a rushing child, hold up a hand in a STOP gesture and say calmly “No Touching.”

        Usually the parent, if they are close enough, will swoop in at that point (too late imo) and redirect the child. I try not to feel badly at the stunned look of surprise on the child’s face (what do you mean dogs are not for touching??!) but I hope I’ve introduced a brief thought of caution that might prevent a bite at the NEXT dog that may not be good with children.

  7. I’m amused because that was me as a baby. My mother spent YEARS trying to get into my head that you ask before grabbing dogs and I completely failed to get it till someone’s Cavalier (that I wandered up to and randomly grabbed on the beach) bit me in the face when I was about five.

    I’m lucky, it was a small annoyed dog and not a large terrified one. Great article.

    1. I love your observation, “I’m lucky it was a small annoyed dog and not a large terrified one,” because that really is a matter of luck vs. the stellar judgment and acute body language observation skills of a five year old child. I was a magnetized kid, too, so I totally get the attraction.

  8. Madeline,

    Terrific article, filled with unconventional wisdom and your signature humor. Love it!

    I just voted for your Canis Film Festival film. I especially loved the part about asking the dog for permission and the all-too-brief invitation line dance! You are brilliant.

    I hope your video wins and you get an avalanche of attention for your unique and thoughtful approach to fostering healthy dog/child relationships.

    Cheers!
    Alexis

    1. Hi Alexis!! Thank you! I took a quick peek at your blog last night and I love that you’re writing and are so fully alive in your life with all that you do! I’m glad you liked the line dance, too — I definitely had to work that scene in b/c it’s so funny. The outtakes, of course, are much funnier with everyone doing it wrong numerous times.

    1. I love this, Alexis!! It makes me so happy to have put that segment into the film. Partway through, I realized that the kids were stuck on a “pat pat, turn” sequence that didn’t really seem encouraging to dogs. Because the film was almost a documentary in that it was shot live and in-progress, I couldn’t go back and redo some of the earlier segments but I definitely wanted to show how to move *away* from the dog to encourage him to come along. The line dance was endlessly amusing to me.

  9. This is great! My girl is 5 months and we try and keep the dog from her (to avoid him licking her face!) but have noticed she is just starting to become interested in him when he walks by. I have been taking her to him but will definitely change the way I allow them to interact!!! My nephew is ‘magnetized’ to dogs and our dog hides when he comes over because he chases him relentlessly (nephew is 3). I have been paranoid about what might happen since before our baby was born the dog had not had much exposure to kids. Any tips on how to gently encourage the in-laws to not force our babe to interact with their dog and ours?! Haha!

    1. Good for you, Emily! Wow, you’re really seeing it all right before your eyes. When your baby shows interest in your dog, acknowledge her interest, “Yes, that’s our dog! He watches over our family. We like to have him with us,” and then engage your daughter in something else to do. Sing a song about your dog if you want – just don’t have all this lead to going over to him. You’ll be able to keep your daughter from being magnetized. (Remember, “magnetized” means no control around the dog – just because you’re interested in the dog doesn’t mean you’re magnetized.) Regarding your nephew’s behavior with dogs, I have to say that it is very dangerous. Perhaps share my earlier post about “Good Dogs Don’t Bite Children, Do They?” so your other family members can think about the Curse of a Good Dog and how your nephew is rehearsing unsafe behaviors and they are becoming habits that will be hard to break. Read also the one about “Does Your Baby Love Dogs?” and really talk with your family about everyone’s expectations and willingness to take risks with this little boy. If no one else sees it the same way, you will have to resist the social pressure to just go along. Instead, you will have to risk hurt feelings to stand your ground and protect your child, your nephew and your dog. Better to have hurt feelings than a hurt child.

  10. Never, ever thought of baby/dog relationships like this … What a huge eye opener. We are expecting in September and this is the exact opposite of how I would’ve introduced our baby to our 3 dogs: So glad I stumbled upon your blog and will be following your advise. And I always thought of myself as pretty dog savvy! Thanks!

  11. Just received this link from a friend and we also have an almost 6-month-old who is starting to become more interested in our very friendly dog. I would have never thought that those simple interactions of us “introducing” the baby to the dog could be the introduction to magnetizing children but I see it so often and I think it’s just as bad as children who fear dogs.I will definitely be taking these thoughts into consideration as our baby and dog grow up together.

  12. Pingback: My dog with baby
  13. Thanks for the article. I have 4 huskies and a 7 month old daughter. They are indoors and always with her. When she plays with her toys they are nearby. She doesn’t activity reach for them just smiles at them and giggles. And if they come up close she smiles and pushes them away. They just want to see what she is doing. I am training them all to have calm energy around each other as far as possible as I believe excessive excitement is asking for trouble. She is also being taught not to go up to dogs without me as dog bites and accidents happen so quickly and then the dogs are blamed when its the parents fault largely.

  14. Interesting article. My two year old is very interested in dogs, and will run up to them! We don’t have a dog at home and he’s never been “introduced” to one! Thoughts?

  15. I had a houseful of children and a dog for many years. While I did teach all my children to be gentle when touching I did not really encourage it either. I watched for signs that both our dog and my young one was ready for interaction. I was always taught that you ask an owner for permission and then let the dog snell your hand and then if the dog shows signs of being interested in interaction than and only then do you attempt to pet them. I encouraged the same with our own pet.

    I guess for me the dog was like a member of our family. I never gave the idea that the kids could do whatever they wanted and the dog would get in trouble for reacting as I think that is stupid. If you are going to raise children with animals then children need to know that the animal has rights too.

    There was only one incident in my home. We had a new dog. Someone had abandoned the dog in front of our home and took off. After getting the dog in the home I was amazed at what a great dog she was. She would not touch food even if it was in her reach without permission and already knew many commands. We decided to keep her. She was great with the kids. However, as we all do she needed a break on occasion and would camp out under the table in kitchen to “get away from it all”.
    One day my then 7yr old son decided to go bug her in her get away spot. She lightly growled. Not a menacing one just one of those small leave me alone ones. I told him he needed to leave her alone and give her her space. and that she would come out when she was ready to interact. He continued. She nipped him. Not a bite just a light nip. My son demanded I spank the dog for it. I said “No, she told you nicely to leave her alone, I told you to leave her alone. She spanked you.” He was shocked and a bit peeved that I wouldn’t discipline the dog. He had no marks whatsoever and she never nipped any of the kids ever again. Though my son learned healthy respect for her and her boundaries from that point on.

    I think it is important to teach children to be gentle with animals; however, we do not have to put the animal in a spotlight constantly to over-encourage interaction. It is just as important to teach children to read animals cues as well and to respect the animals rights and boundaries. It all goes hand in hand. Just my opinon.

  16. This is a great resource for clients! I would take the 3 questions a step further with some families, though. I have been approached by young children who have been taught that they need to ask if they can pet before touching the dog. However, none of those children had ever been told ‘no’ before apparently. I have an older papillon who doesn’t like his space invaded, no matter the intention. I respect that and never put him in a situation where he feels the need to defend himself because I haven’t done my job. Luckily he’s small enough to scoop into my arms because when I said (very nicely, I might add), “sorry, no, he doesn’t feel good and doesn’t want anyone to touch him today) the children had already as you so aptly say “magnetized” and were bee-lining for us regardless of what I might have said. So, parents, role play with your children, it’s not enough just to teach them to say “may I pet your dog?”.
    -BEL

  17. This was such a lovely article to read. I often feel like I am the bad guy in cnversation when I ask parents to please take my dog into concideration or tell their kids not to yell at/try to smack/ or run screaming up to my dog. He is a very well trained gentle boy and I attend agility, tracking and obedience with him. He even has a good canine ceritficate for crying out loud. But as a young student I don’t have a lot of friends with small chidlren and even the dog parks I frequent don’t have very many small children running about. Needless to say he doesn’t know that the small well meaning human is just that. To him they are very intimidating things with loud squeeky voices that grab and hurt him. Yet I am often made out to feel like me and my dog are the problem because he doesn’t let children grab his ears or he’ll try to move away from children who just assume they can pet any strange dog they meet. I think it is important that parents take some responsibility for teaching their kids how to approach and treat dogs properly, especially dogs they do not know.

  18. Even when the kids get older, there is so much they don’t understand. I acted as a protector for someone else’s dog at an event recently. The kids were playing, the dog was playing, the kids were playing, the dog was falling asleep on it’s feet and fighting it… I suggested that it was time for the dog’s nap, and reminded them that after all, most of what a dog does all day when they weren’t around was sleep.

    I can see a different situation playing out with an exhausted dog. The dog might not even know what it was doing, just reacting entirely from the back brain reflexes…

    1. My 3 year old is obsessed with dogs. He is the kid that will run up to any dog to make friends! It scares me! We don’t own a dog or any pets.

  19. Based on what I can understand is this article saying that the babies and dogs shouldn’t have any physical interaction and playtime? Like the ones all over youtube?

    1. Thank you for writing, Blake. Every family makes their own choices. What I am saying here is that if parents encourage physical interaction and contact with their babies and dogs, then it will be harder to manage life together as the baby gets more mobile, especially if more children are added and parental attention is divided. There may be a price to pay later for what seems funny and cute in the moment – not necessarily a “price” like, “Oooh, the baby is going to get mauled,” but a price in terms of aggravating to parents to deal with or maybe a growl or snap or bite that distresses the family/causes dog to be rehomed or child acquiring behaviors that may not be well-received by someone else’s dog. Look at Part 4 for examples of children from baby – preschool enjoying the company of dogs without being magnetized to them. It’s a different path than the YouTube examples but one that I think is is easier to manage and more peaceful for everyone, without losing the benefits of a nice friendship “happily ever after.”

  20. This is great information presented in a terribly condescending way. Ceiling fans and steak knives are not members of the family. There is no instinct to bond with the cutlery. There is no desire for a child and a ceiling fan to have a loving relationship. It is not obvious that the family pet has potential to be dangerous regardless of how true that may be. You would not employ shame as a training technique for a dog. Is there reason to believe shaming a parent is the very best way to impart your knowledge on to them? Holding an infant up into a ceiling fan because they find it mesmerizing is an insane analogy for thinking it’s okay to allow your child to pet the family dog. I was pointed in the direction of this blog by a concerned trainer friend that urged me to be wary of my infant becoming magnetized to our dog. I am grateful the concern, but I wish she would have just explained it to me so I could have avoided this insolent blog post.

    1. I truly do appreciate you taking the time to write, Chris. The blog post was written to be a humorous juxtaposition and it’s good for me to know that some kinds of humor are going to be a total miss with some people. I want very much for parents to think differently about what they choose to do with their babies and dogs and I will ponder how things may come across differently in writing than how the discussion is received in my classes where there is more opportunity to establish rapport and trust. The gist of the article is not to say that parents who allow babies to pet dogs are doing the equivalent of letting their children play with knives or the ceiling fan and thus are “bad” – it is to suggest to parents that they are already successfully having their child in proximity to things like that because they do not call their child’s attention to those things and prompt interaction and thus the child is not “magnetized” and so they have the power/skill to do the same with the dog. There is lots and lots of time to foster friendship as a baby develops and acquires emotional and physical self-control. You do not lose anything by making your first goal peaceful, companionable co-existence vs. physical exploration. That path starts with neutral acknowledgement of interest in the dog and engagement in doing something else. I know your feelings are hurt so I don’t expect you to engage in further discussion. I do wish the best for your family – both humane and canine. Thank you for the feedback.

      1. I think that one important thing to remember is that kids really want to learn how to be better friends with dogs. They want this information, and they want to form friendly, safe habits with dogs. I wish someone had given me this info when I was young.

  21. This is a very insightful and well written article. I will definitely be sharing this knowledge with others 🙂

  22. Great article! I deal so often with patents who allow their v young children to crawl all over their dogs, hug them etc.
    As we have large dogs, one of whom especially is generally anxious, we have always used baby gates to great effect. People are often surprised that our 2 year son doesn’t have much direct interaction with the dogs (and always heavily supervised when does- ie he’s on our lap with dog sat by us) and assume this will affect his relationship with them.
    Not at all – He adores the dogs, is not frightened by them at all and describes them as his best “friends”.
    When we are out he always comments when he sees a dog and talks about it but doesn’t need to run up to it. He is however only two so we always supervise of course.
    We also taught him to be gentle with the cats and calm when around them. He’s not perfect of course but that’s where we make sure we are there to monitor and act accordingly. Its not fair on the animals or the child to expect them to be able to handle the relationship by themselves.
    Really well written article, thank you

  23. I just came across your article & I wish more folks spoke about this. I used to have a labrador that would get crowded in by kids. I would have to block them from the dog & look for the parents, who were usually too far away to pull their kids away. One even tried to ride him when he was old & injured! Fortunately, he was mellow enough that he never bit a kid.

  24. I use a service dog, and even though she has a big bright red vest with do not let patches all over it I am at times shocked at how non-chalant parents can be with their young children. One day I was on a boardwalk that takes a visitor right out in the middle of a bog to see different plants etc. The walk is barely wide enough for my dog and me to walk by without one of us being in front of the other. There were some parents walking with a two year old about a couple hundred feet behind us. These parents send their child out to us to pet my dog! I stopped him from petting my service dog twice before he turned around to go back to his parents. Not only did they send their tot way ahead of them to pet a strange dog, they sent him out to a couple of strangers. (My husband was with us.) Who does this? Out in the middle of a bog and off a trail in the woods, what were they thinking? I am constantly telling people not to pet my service dog when we are in public. I am an advocate of body blocking and telling people no. As a rule, no one should be walking up to and petting dogs they do not know.

    1. I have seen that, too! I do a “stop” motion with my hand and send the child back to get his/her parent. The parent is usually a little annoyed with me and tries to tell me their child is good with dogs. If the child is capable of holding a conversation with me, I’ll go over some instructions on how to stop and ask if the dog wants to be petted. (See blog post “Ask the Dog.”) Ha ha – the last time this happened, it all went well enough but then the next time I saw that same group, I heard the mom telling the kids, “We don’t have time to visit with dogs today.” So, however it turns out, I think it makes parents think before allowing their kids to rush up as much in the future.

  25. So… What if you’re the owner of the oddball dog that seems to be magnetized to babies? I have a 4-month-old baby and my dog dropped me like a hot potato the second she came home from the hospital. He loves her and wants nothing more than to sit next to her, lick her, cuddle with her, etc. if sh is doing tummy time, he is on her mat next to her. If she is in my arms, he in next to me. She is just starting to notice him and reciprocate, throwing her arm around him on the couch or reaching for his fur, and he is ecstatic. I don’t want her turning into a grabby toddler but he seems to savor her every attention. I tell her not to grab, and I pull her away from him, and he follows.

    1. That’s another good blog post, Rachel! I have so much I want to write for my dog/baby book project that will pull all this together for parents. It is so nice to have a dog that appears enthusiastic and welcoming to your baby! That’s everyone’s dream, isn’t it? As you are finding out, it’s not always practical to manage, though. One thing that might help is to imagine your baby as a rotisserie chicken or something else your dog might “love” but is not available to him to physically explore at will. Does that change how you look at his behavior? I don’t mean that he wants to eat the baby, of course, but more to point out that there are a lot of things in life that your dog can’t have and it’s okay. Nan Arthur’s book, “Chill Out Fido” has an exercise called Relax on a Mat that helps dogs be calm and relaxed and can be used almost like a security blanket to allow him to be close to you but not all up in baby’s space. You can also find a summary online if you do a search. Or, it might even be here on my website. See how long I’ve been away from writing!! Two other things to think about…One is what you brought up about your baby turning into a grabby toddler because she gets to rehearse that exploratory behavior as a baby. Even if your dog absolutely loves every conceivable variation of touch an uncoordinated baby/toddler might come up with, your family will be at risk of the Curse of a Good Dog where your daughter will not understand that what her dog allows will not be what endears her to other dogs. She will be at a greater risk of a bite from someone else’s dog and your vigilance will have to be much higher in every situation where a dog is present (including running across the street to go see a dog). In your own family, a very young child who gets used to touching the dog without asking/inviting the dog over may accidentally catch the dog when he is not feeling well or as he ages and gets less comfortable with being touched – especially because your daughter will be bigger/stronger at that point. In my opinion, four months old is too young to presume your baby will have empathy, physical coordination and self control enough to manage an independent relationship with your dog. There are too many developmental stages to go through before her behavior is pretty consistent and reliable. In the meantime, the idea is to marvel at how nice it is to have the dog nearby without having to touch the dog. I have a whole chapter to write about how to do that!

    1. Thank you, Meg! My hope is that parents start to see this whole magnetized thing as a warning sign and not just the thrill of thinking baby is a budding Dr. Doolittle. There is plenty of time to develop lasting friendships with animals.

  26. Although I agree with this article over all, I do have to say that I honestly think that this all goes back to good parenting/good ownership. I have a 6 month old who’s starting to really show interest in the dog and a fear reactive 50lb German Shepherd. The dog comes up to me sometimes when I am holding the baby (which is something I’m doing about 90% of every day, unfortunately lol) and as soon as my son reaches for the dog, I turn him away from her. I’ve always taught my kids (I have two older boys as well) that it’s perfectly acceptable to look but do not touch, with all dogs — not just strange ones. I would like to have a chance to teach them about body language and the signs to look for in a non-friendly dog BEFORE they end up bit. As for my dog, I do not set her up for failure. I take her hiking with me sometimes and I do not muzzle her because we rarely encounter other dogs/people but when we do, it’s such a struggle for people to understand that their children and dogs are not welcome into my dogs space. If children run up to me (most ask if they can pet her before doing so) and want to pet my dog, I simply say “No, sweety, but you can definitely look at her. Isn’t she pretty?” And they’re usually fine with that. I don’t think she would bite a child but she’s definitely not a fan of them, either.

    Any suggestions on how to safely have a dog who doesn’t hate but doesn’t really like kids, cohabitate with children? I mean… I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job so far but I’m always open to suggestions lol.

    1. You are right! This SHOULD all seem like common sense parenting! And, when I discuss it in my classes, people really get it but also realize that they were not thinking this way beforehand. We are surrounded by media and peer images that suggest that you “should” be able to mix dogs and babies/toddlers at will. Once people become parents, they realize that there is not much that they let their babies/toddlers physically explore at will but the dog gets overlooked. I love how you are articulating to your children to look but not touch. That way, they have something they CAN do around dogs and that you can notice and reinforce. A big part of having a dog live peacefully with children even if she doesn’t really love them is to protect her space so she doesn’t have to. Call her to you if kids are crawling towards her (and give a treat to help her remember next time) or walk in-between to intercept and direct the kids to go the other way (also give a treat to the dog), expect that there will be times where dog and kids need to be physically separated with a gate or in another room. Look up Barbara Shumannfang’s “Dog Safety Zone” – found in her book Happy Kids, Happy Dogs or a good summary comes up online. You are an experienced mom so you know this. I bet there are times you’d like someone to take you to another room with a nice snack and some quiet music and close the door for a little while! The other thing I do is mark with a word/phrase (“what happened?”) and give the dog a treat whenever the kids do anything the dog is apt to notice, even if it is not directed towards the dog. I want to build the sequence of events: Kids do Something Weird = Look to Owner for Treat. I need to write a whole blog post about that concept of making “deposits” to a dog’s store of goodwill or tolerance so there will be plenty there when someone slips up. Body language is a big help but also consider doing all these things well before dog seems too bothered. Just like we don’t wait for babies to have meltdowns to think of giving them a nap, we can be proactive with our dogs. It sounds like you are very much on top of things even with three little ones! Keep up the good work. Thanks for writing.

  27. My dog, a Yorkie, has developed a dislike of children in general after a few friends kids have totally ignored his discomfort and crowded him. Frustrating to me, the friends don’t seem to understand that they have to control their children as much as I have to control my dog.
    The child I considered a grandchild got in his face so much and so often, regardless of how much I told her no and tried to keep him away, that he took to nipping at her immediately when she showed up, to make sure she stayed away from him!
    I loved your article, thank you. I’m looking forward to reading more of the series.

    1. I’m sorry to hear about your dog’s tough experiences with the little ones, Lee Ann. Look in the Q&A section for some situations about how to “fix” things when dog gets to that point and also some guidance on how to communicate to people so they change their behavior. I’m sorry the blog is such a disorganized mess! I am soon back to work on drafting a book where it will come together much more usefully. I most love the book “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline” by Becky Bailey, PhD for learning how to phrase things to children (and adults) and how to foster cooperation. The bright side of situations with young children is that the kids are always developing and growing and changing and will likely be more successful in the future.

  28. I have a Therapy dog, and we do a lot of work on the juvenile wing at a local psychiatric hospital. We also do “dog safety” demonstrations in classes at urban elementary schools. I’ve learned to be extremely careful around these kids; bad things can happen in just a fraction of a second. As my dogs handler, my first concern is to keep my dog safe from harm….he won’t bite, but I don’t want him ruined for doing this kind of work. I also constantly tell these kids to NEVER approach a dog they don’t know, no matter how nice and friendly it seems.

    Your picture of handing a streak knife to a toddler really hit home to me. I always tell people to view all dogs as having a mouth full of box cutters….because they DO. Do a Google search for images of dog bite victims, and you’ll see what can happen in just seconds.

    The average family with a dog does not give their dog formal puppy socialization and “bite inhibition training”. They also don’t properly socialize their children on how to behave around dogs, especially strange ones. The result of this is a dangerous situation. I can’t tell you how many kids and adults I’ve met that are terrified of all dogs, because they were attacked by one……and how many dogs were put down because of these attacks. And it was all preventable.

    Thanks for an extremely well written article: I’ll likely use some of it in my dog safety presentations in the future.

    1. Thank you for your comment, Bill. It sounds like you are doing a lot of good getting out there with your dog and educating people. You are right that there is currently a big gap in how we prepare both our dogs and our children to live happily together. Part of that is probably because things seem to work out okay in many instances whether there is preparation or not so that becomes the norm, rather than being seen as good luck. Parents have to decide for themselves how much risk they want to assume for their children and dogs. Me? I’m pretty risk averse when the downside is something that might be a serious injury when children are so young and fragile (even if dog didn’t mean to hurt – the fragility is the issue you can’t get away from) or that might put my dogs at risk.

  29. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this series of articles. My 10 month old has definitely ended up “magnetized” to our three dogs.

    Can I ask a question please? What about dogs who are magnetized to the baby? My youngest dog is a terrier mix who I rehomed when he was 10 months old. His old owners had two young children who definitely “luvved” him and he’s the right temperament that he now “luvves” children back. He will go out of his way to be next to our baby, despite the crawling, climbing, grabbing, pulling and screaming.

    How do I discourage interaction between baby and dog when the dog is seeking it?

    1. Thank you for your comment, Abigail. I will definitely write a post shortly about dogs magnetized to kids. If you look at some of the earlier comments, you will see that you are not alone. I gave some quick answers there that might help you, but I will flesh it out for discussion in a separate post. Hopefully, I will have time this Thursday to get that done.

    2. Hello – I am a dog trainer in NC, but if you go to http://www.familypaws.com, there are resources, videos, articles, and most importantly, dog trainers certified in helping families with babies/dogs and toddlers/dogs in your area.

      Also, I nanny and their 13 month old was magnetized to their Border Collie. The first 2 weeks were the most awkward, because I had to continually narrate that we go “around the dog”, and “give dogs space”, and “we don’t bother sleeping dogs, let’s move over here” continuously. But after the two weeks, she doesn’t hyper focus anymore and can crawl right past no problem. However, sometimes, the BC will come lay near us (which I then narrate, “Dakota feels safe laying near us; thank you for being a good friend to him!” – she usually turns toward him and I just use her feet to spin her so she’s parallel or facing away and give her something more exciting) and if she moves toward him, I encourage him to move away, turn his head away or get up and then heavily reward. Any type of signal like a turn of the head, averting gaze, moving his body away, ears back, are all signs I want him to keep doing, so I say “YES!” And then reward them and then call him away, or move the baby away. I treat it like the coffee on the side table, there is a bubble around it and if you get too close, I redirect the baby or move the coffee.

  30. Can you please edit this and add links to the follow up blog posts for Part 2, 3 and 4? It is not obvious there are more, and I had to hunt around a bit to find them. If you don’t know there are four parts, it is not as effective for parents.

  31. Very interesting and made some points I hadn’t considered. I was trying to get the dog used to the baby and hadn’t thought about the other side of the coin so to speak

  32. So let’s discuss when my son Collin was born we owned a pure bread 110 lb female Rottweiler. She was even a rescue dog. We asked the Dr. how should we handle introducing Collin to Nitalia. He said walk in the house and just lay Collin on the floor! I thought he was nuts. Nitalia was a very loving wonderful dog. So we did it Nitalia laid down and wrapped herself around him like a dog would do with her puppy. It was a bond that was never separated. I wish I could post pics so you could see. How Nitalia helped teach Collin to walk by nudging him to his feet then let him hold onto her neck as she walked very slow. Even better she loved to let Collin hold on to her ears as she would take him for a ride on her back around the house. So let’s fast forward 18 years now. Collin has never been bit by a dog.
    So now let me ask you a question? Where are these other vicious dogs that will attach your child?? Kids should be taught to play nicely with animals. If a child is taken into a home where there’s a unfamiliar dog. And it bites your kid. Who’s fault is that? The dog? The kid? The dogs owner likely. OR the parents display of not paying attention to the child and what the child is doing? Most animals are not aggressive towards children especially. Cause there not threatened by children. In closing I pray you reconsider some of your points and ideas. Because if read this along time ago. My son wouldn’t still have pictures and Nitalias ashes on his dresser. And memories of a love that can’t be understood unless you have experienced it yourself

  33. Yes! Thanx so much for this article!! All too often dogs get blamed for others’ lack of control or ridiculous beliefs/practices. That’s why I started writing about common sense tips for dog owners. In fact, you do far better in specifically addressing the issues with children, but I did an article similar to this. Please, Madeline, come post your link in the comments section on my blog under this article: https://apupstop.com/ignore-me-please

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